masked defective

Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are ::masked defective::

2011-04-05T11:21:00.003-04:00

3:54 am:

Woke up to the sound of thunder and lightning. Thankfully our iHome runs on a back up battery when unplugged, otherwise we may not have gotten up in time for work. It wasn't easy to fall back asleep with all the flashing and booming, but after a little shuffling around and getting comfortable we were fast asleep. Since the rude awakening this morning, I haven't been able to shake the need to forgive. To be honest, most days I have trouble with it, but today in particular, I just kept feeling as though I've been holding on to stuff with no excuse. I need to forgive myself, forgive others and let go of circumstances that, although at one time shaped me, now only hold me back from living. I've been re-writing this song for a couple of days and although it's still in the works, it has been a timely reminder of how I tend to respond to God. Sometimes I feel as though, if I do or don't do something than His love towards me will change or be lessened. I do believe my choices have consequences and there is a need to admit when I've wronged someone or made a terrible decision and turn from those actions, it's the accepting and extending of forgiveness part that I struggle with. By this point I have to announce to myself that God forgave me while I was still doing wrong and called me His child. Still I struggle with the fear that I'll be too forgone, and out of that thought I tend to think that others can be too forgone as well. Andrew Peterson described this fear in his lyric "It's the fear that I'll fall one too many times, it's the fear that His love is no better than mine." Thankfully, His love is unconditional and life giving and forgiveness is the just the beginning. Without further ado,

A Quiet Reflective Thought

If I were to look up at the sky and find that you were gone,
Could I safely say "There's more to believe"?
Coz my weary heart is tired from all these years
And I'm finding that I'm living out my fears.

Could I say "I need You"?

If I asked you all my questions, would you let me doubt?
And is my lack of responses to your answers what
Holds me back from knowing you the way that I should now?
When selfishness has emptied out this shell

Could I say "Fill me"?

Coz I'm tired of feeling as though this freedom is a dream.
And I'm enslaved to this life and heart of doubt.
And Your silence speaks much louder than the voice that's inside my head.
When my brokenness finally gives way.

Could I say "I need you, please fill me"

If I were to look up at the sky and find that You were gone
Could I safely say "There's more to believe"?

No greater love than this, that a friend would lay his life down for another. ::masked defective::

The days keep coming man they never fail you ::masked defective::

2011-02-22T21:57:00.011-05:00

I recently had dinner with my brother in-law on his side of town. It's rare that I get to play passenger these days because I'm always driving, so it was nice to be able to see more of my surroundings on the road to eat out. It was a nice evening to be out and about and once again I found myself longing for a place of our own (for Sarah and I that is). As we drove through various neighborhoods to get to our restaurant I found myself making up stories for each home. Some houses had one light on, some none and there were maybe a hand full with multiple lights on. I kept wondering if I'd catch families having dinner. Or see kids out in the yard playing and running as the night was settling in. I kept thinking of the day Sarah and I would have dinner around our own table with our children. And there was a little knot in my throat as I thought about tucking our kids in for the night and what it'll be like to be home every night. The musician in me was playing with words to try and capture the emotions each strand of homes brought and my imagination was walking through our future home, turning off lights and settling in with my lovely bride. It's safe to say I'm a little homesick. Sarah and I are very grateful for the opportunities we have to start our careers in a way that will clear out all of our debt and hopefully set us up to move forward very quickly, but sometimes it's hard not to wish away this time. But when we look back on it, we've learned some valuable lessons. Especially in taking things for granted. Even as I type those words I realize, I've taken this time for granted, thinking "May I never have to recall these days!" but I hope I do recall them, I need to remember what my God has brought us through and where we derived our strength from. Not from ourselves, we tried that out and it only made us go in circles :). But when we communicated with each other about where we were and our feelings about the future and then lifted that up to God and sought him out, then things changed. All of a sudden we began to see opportunities that we were missing because we were so inclined to look at our own circumstances instead of seeing how we can help others where they are from where we are. It's crazy how a change of perspective makes you see rejection from a job as direction from the Lord for something else or even seeing an injury as the means to make you uncomfortable enough to start seeking Him. I tend to quickly settle for things that I think will make me happy and that's selfish. I realize more and more things and stuff are not the answer, the One from whom all that stuff comes from is the answer. So many times I've forgotten that and the consequence to that is that I end of believing that this is all I can amount to, the result of mistakes and bad choices and stuff that just won't work.. But there is hope and there is more grace than my mess. I'm grateful for forgiveness and for the millionth second chance. I'm thankful for this gift of life and for the hope that keeps throwing pebbles at the window of my heart calling me to come out of my selfish heart and dream and work to help others hear its pebbles against the windows of their hearts calling them to dream too. To hear the voice of salvation and of truth.

the last shall be first, of this I am sure ::masked defective::

2010-12-01T14:56:00.003-05:00

My good friend Rick had sent me the verse from Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11, trusting it would be an encouragement. It not only brought up some crazy memories of God's faithfulness and provision, it spurred me to trust even deeper my God who has proven himself time and time again through patience and has sustained me, even when I choose "me" over Him. I needed this great reminder as I've been training myself in the way of selfish desires instead of training myself up in His Word. It's humbling to see how quickly you can forget and slip into old habits that you may have thought died years ago. It's been quite scary even, realizing how close some of those things have lingered. The next thing you know, you're bitter towards all the things you've been given and greedy for the things just out of reach. Thankfully, I have an amazing wife and friends who have helped line me back up under our Great God and scripture. And from these gentle reminders came this song. (Hope to have a rough recording posted soon).

You Remain

If you're waiting on me to do the right thing,
Yea, well I'm waiting too.
And if you're listening in on all my cries for help,
Well, I couldn't fake them.

Coz I've lost hope in these days.
And I've gained ground where I didn't want to go.

And I'm standing there, frozen still
Afraid of what you'll say.
And I don't know why you ever came for me,
But you came to me.

When I'd lost hope in these days,
You said "Son, it'll be ok."

Now I'm sitting here with you
And all the shame I never thought I'd out live
And the fear and pain have gone away
And only you remain.

::Words in Analog:: masked defective

2010-09-07T15:11:00.010-04:00

Our Weather Here

If you're lost and tired ::masked defective::

2010-08-24T08:49:00.010-04:00

Stay Video

"Hope is the call
That is ringing in my soul
But I can't pretend that I see
Much light in front of me"

I've been listening to Robbie Seay Band's album "Give Yourself Away" for the past few weeks and I must say it has given me much to think about. The lyrics above come from the song "Stay" and it's one of many lyrics in this album that has just blown me away. There have been a lot of late nights and early mornings this past year. And even more days where Sarah and I see each other at the most for an hour or two at night before we crawl into bed. It's been a long year of working hard and figuring things out, but it also has been a huge year of growth.

"Love is the seed
That is buried underneath
The soil of pain and of grief
But it grows into the tree
That I'll climb to see You here"

I tell ya when I heard these lyrics it made me choke up a bit (not that I'm already an emotional person or anything). I turned to the passage in Luke 19:1-9 about Zacchaeus climbing a tree just to see Jesus and in the end Salvation comes to him! Something that was planted and grown for so many years provided the means for someone to SEE JESUS. What is a year in God's working? Much less 26 years?

"Pride is the friend
Who betrays me in the end
Stealing joy, as it goes
Leaves me longing for a home."

And then there's pride. Man, I have fallen prey to my own devices so many times this past year. I've selfishly tried to force God's hand and make things happen, which God, in His amazing Grace and Patience, has seen me through those consequences. Here's what I have found. Hope is always available, always there. It is I who has the option of giving up on hope. I can say that this situation has no good ending and have a pity party that only I am invited to. Or I can say that all good things come from the Father of Lights, and that even now that tree that is made of crazy circumstances and amazing happenings is sturdy enough for me to climb up and see Jesus.

"I wait to find You here
Hope is thrown away
I can't give up
I'll wait to see You here
I have gone astray
But You will always stay beside me
And Your rescue comes to find me
And You always stay

You will always stay beside me
And Your path is straight before me
You will always stay

And I believe I'll sing until You're here
Though I'm lost and afraid
I can't give up
I wait to find You here
I have gone astray

You will always stay beside me
And Your sun will rise above me
And Your light will shine upon me
And Your skies are clear above me
And You will always stay"

Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall ::masked defective::

Funny which words stick around 10 years down when you're driving alone ::masked defective::

2010-03-13T19:54:00.007-05:00

Another Columbia contribution. This place is definitely becoming home.

Old Heart (To New Town)

Had to find myself a new town
To see how bad my heart really is.
And it's so messed up.
And I've grown so comfortable
With all the things I have.
And all the things I want I could never afford.

And no one seems to fights me, quite like you do.
And nothing seems to fill me, quite like you do.

So don't leave me here like this.
I can't promise I'll make the change,
But I believe you when you say,
You'll remake me.

All of my problems and all the things I hide
Are coming to the surface and they're changing my mind
About where I thought I'd find you
And all the reasons that I'm right.
And you still take me back
After all that I've tried.

Coz no one seems to love me, quite like you do.
And nothing seems to heal me, quite like you do.

So don't leave me here like this.
I can't promise I'll make the change,
But I believe you when you say,
You'll remake me.

So I got myself a new heart in this town.
I just traded in my old one
And now I'm not my own.

Coz no one could die for me, quite like you did.
And nothing could give me life, quite like you do.

Coz you did not leave me here like this.
And You knew I could not make the change,
But I believed you when you said
You'd make me rise.

you break through my deafness ::masked defective::

times they are a'changin and my heart is still beatin ::masked defective::

2010-01-12T13:37:00.007-05:00

I've had a lot of alone time at UPS to work out songs in my head. This particular one I had started working on a little before New Years Eve and finally finished it up a day or so ago.

New Years

Don't let me in this New Year looking like I do.
I've been selfish and bitter and insecure with my life.
And You've done great things around me but I need some done in my heart.
You know I've always been hard to lay down and die.

I want to live, but I don't want to fall
I want to break through the fear that has built these walls.
But out of fear I've failed You, through this year.

So don't let me leave this Old Year like a broken picture frame
I need to hold on to the memories that picture contained of those hard days.
Coz you've brought me to this New Year with a promise in my hand,
That what was broken and beat down would be restored and made whole.

So I'm gonna live, even when I fall
And You're love will break through the fear that has built these walls.
And I'm gonna rise from beneath this weight
Coz You are the One who rescued me. You're the one who saves.
So I'm gonna live.

don't give up on this hope ::masked defective::

Come and listen ::masked defective::

2010-01-06T23:00:00.009-05:00

Sarah and I were talking about how I used to talk and talk and talk and talk back in the college days. I know I can tend to ramble on a bit now and again, but back in the school days I was non-stop. We came to the realization that this type of behaviour stemmed from an insecurity.

I was recalling how in meeting new people I always felt as though I needed to bombard them with stories and silliness and just non stop junk. I couldn't see then, as I see a now little bit better, how overwhelming I must have been to so many people.

Thankfully I have friends who abound in grace and patience with a nice little dose of honesty every now and again.

We delved a little into what my insecurity must have been to cause me to be such a chatter-er. We discovered that I was so afraid that I wouldn't be remembered, that I wouldn't be liked and known by others. I wanted, so badly, to have something to offer that I carelessly trampled a lot of the potential those relationships had. I was pretty selfish in a very indirect way (self pity's nasty like that). And without realizing it I slowly grew accustomed to enjoying the attention. Vying for everyone's attention and thinking less and less of the risk and cost of knowing and being known by others. But there were so many who were gifted in giving me time and when I caved in, they allowed me to draw away as I slowly realized how much I'd lost who I was in Christ and being social became a burden for me. I was tired of the show I had grown accustom to putting on and they were all there praying and lighting the path for me to find who I am in Christ. Finding that who I am was not just in my words or what I had to offer, but that I was like them. I'm a crooked wretch. I'm bitter at times and selfish in most if not all things. But we all desired a community where we chose to live with each others mess and were willing to help each other get through them together. They were the church to me, refreshing and restoring me with the truth of God's word and His love.

Now I've had the wonderful opportunity to see those dear friends marry and enter into one of the most intimate relationships we can experience here on this earth (aside from the great work of the Holy Spirit). It surprises me sometimes how well Sarah knows me. Sometimes it frustrates me, because then I know I can't get away with being selfish or bitter. But at the same time it's so freeing to have someone know me so deeply, so earnestly, so greatly and so honestly. And I'm so excited for my friends who get to begin tasting the sweetness in marrying their best friends.

Which reminds me, just the other day I was changing Sarah's flat tire on her Jeep. As I was lying under the car getting the jack ready to lift the car up, she was there watching me. My best friend in the whole world standing there rooting me on and watching me be manly. I felt at that moment that I could lift that car with own two hands. I felt as though I could conquer all. It's amazing what love does to someone who fails everyday and yet is embraced by my God who knows me so well and forgives me and allows to experience love through Sarah and my family and friends.

Whew, I have and beautiful bride to hold and some pretty amazing family and friends and covering all of that is a God who is so much bigger than my selfish, insecurities.

My fear fails in His sight.

Thanks for letting me go on and on and on all those years. I'm finally finding the comfort of silence and well placed words.

Faith is expensive to taste ::masked defective::

Maybe the hardest things are the dreams that we've been given ::masked defective::

2009-08-26T11:58:00.007-04:00

Moving to Columbia was like a whirlwind for Sarah and I. We had to say goodbye to so many friends and familiarities and what we had called home for so many years. It was as if we reached the first year mark in our marriage and the Lord said "Alright let's uproot ya and take ya to a new land and I'll give you a new heart and a whole new perspective into what I've planned for you."

It is so hard to be here sometimes. Between all that hardness though, we have met some amazing people and grown closer with family. We've made some tough decisions and have a enjoyed a whole new window to look through and see our lives. This song was written in hopes of capturing all that has happened from the inside out. I wrote this for my wonderful bride in mind too. She has been such a great voice of encouragement when I've made up my mind to give up when everything seemed to be going so slow and jobs and school seemed non-existent. We're grateful for the time we're given and we'll be the best at whatever job we're given because of Him who gives us life and sustains us and gives us all that we need. It's His love that never fails and makes all of this new.

::Change::

::Well you brought me here and you broke me down
Miles and miles away from all that I hold dear.
And there's nothing familiar, but this cold, stone heart
I thought I pieced it all together, but you were breaking it all up
You're giving me your heart

And change is breaking down these gates
We're singing a new song.
And life is always bringing change
But your love makes things new.
All things new.

You said "Listen son, you're forgiven.
You see I brought you here to remind you what remains.
It seems the dreams I've planted are the hardest things you're given,
But my love never fails.

And change is breaking down your gates
You're singing a new song.
And life is always bringing change.
But my love makes things new.
All things new."

When it seems the dreams planted are the hardest things we're given
Your love never fails

And change is breaking down these gates
We're singing a new song.
And life is always bringing change
But your love makes things new.
All things new::

One love in the morning, three days in the grave ::masked defective::

Is it cold yet in New York City ::masked defective::

2009-07-30T00:31:00.004-04:00

Can't sleep coz me beautiful bride is gone for the night.

I feel like I'm tired enough to go to sleep, but as soon as I move towards the bed I realize it seems so much bigger than usual and I can def. feel her absence.

On a lighter note, I'm trying to watch The Beast Master movie due to the conversation that I thought I overheard Jay Grant and another gentlemen named Preston, where Preston introduced himself and then I thought I heard Jay say, "Hi, I'm Beast Master." Even though Jay says that's not what he said, I wish it was. Ergo, my awesome brother-in-law let me borrow it so that I could catch up on Beast Master action.

Enjoying a little Brett Dennen.

i've still got you on my breath ::masked defective::

Thoughts from attempting to sleep in my backseat ::masked defective::

2009-07-25T11:16:00.010-04:00

Currently streaming Jonathan Helser's new album from "A Place For The Heart". He's a talented man that Jon.

What is it about sun rises that cause a little lump in my throat to form? Maybe it's from the tears I'm holding back. Maybe it's because the scene itself makes me hold my breath without realizing it.

Hope.

I was having a rough day at my old job a couple of years back. I exhaled loudly to keep from crying at work and then I held my breath. I looked at the Lord and said "It just seems so hopeless!" I wasn't expecting a response. Sometimes I prefer not to hear His voice, because it pierces my heart, it changes me. I'm so quick to want to just wallow in my mess than to hear His sweet words. He spoke and put my heart to rest all the while causing it to beat all the more rapid from being near Him. "As long as my Spirit dwells here on Earth and in you there will always be hope. It is not that this situation, this circumstance is hopeless. It's that you have given up on hope."

I thought about that last night while I couldn't sleep. I was kept up by the pending rise of the sun. I thought about how there are so many times Sarah and I can feel so defeated and afraid of what the future holds for us. We look at our circumstances of not being able to find more work (yet we both have two part time jobs a piece and one more job hopefully lined up). The fact that we're living in her parents basement studio apartment when so many of our friends who are recently married have homes and are headed towards having kids (yet we have a roof over our head and are able to work on paying off all of our debts so that we can be free to use our money to buy a home and move forward in our lives together). We don't really know what we want to do with our lives (yet.... well who does)! We are called to minister and worship and give thanks in all things, giving glory to God who says, "I dwell within you, I am your life source. What more do you need!"

It's funny how when you're willing to listen to truth there is a decision that HAS to be made. You can choose to not only do it but believe that in doing it you are bringing glory to the one who loves you so much through faith and obedience. Or you can run the other way and do you're best to forget what you've heard. But when you do choose to believe it becomes less of a fear thing or a duty thing and more "I want to do this because I know you love me and I long to trust you as much as I long to love you."

Sarah and I have so much ahead of us. And at times I feel as the husband that I fail to lead Sarah before our Great God. And I fail to provide and sacrifice of myself as I am called to do. And you know what.... She LET'S me fail greatly, because she knows that our God is so much greater than my sin and failure and that through those times of refining we're growing stronger together and our love and fervor for the Lord is increased. She prays great things for me and when she sees me fail she helps lift me up. She is such a beautiful pillar of support and encouragement when I fall and such a wonderful companion when I'm headed in the right direction, leading our family to the Lord.

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be sleeping in the backseat of my car anytime soon. My place is next to my beautiful bride.

From the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised. Ps 113:3

you said you're never gonna leave
i believe in every word ::masked defective::

You can never hold back spring ::masked defective::

2009-06-04T16:15:00.003-04:00

My wife Sarah and I have been waking up to this beautiful tune the past few mornings. It's from the movie with Antonio Bennini called The Tiger and the Snow. It's by Tom Waits. Thought I'd share it with you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QN8ttymjuo

Remember everything that spring can bring ::masked defective::

And there was a lovely sun set and you and me ::masked defective::

2009-05-28T14:02:00.005-04:00

Last night as I was driving home from work, I took the little effort required to roll the windows down and it completely changed my short drive. Now I could feel the cool night air blow through the car and my speed dropped down to about 20 miles an hour, just enough for the perfect breeze to keep my attention. I had Jack Johnson playing on my iPod (it felt like he was just chatting with me in the passenger seat). The combination made me pine for the beach and I could almost hear the waves crashing in. There's something about the beach at night that is so fond. The light house towering over the night with it's single ray of light that sort of greets the moonlight like they are the old friends enjoying the beauty of the breeze and warm water that crashes between them.

Even now as I'm listening to a little instrumental piece by Ben Harper I can see the sun set just over the ocean and the soft warm sand begin to cover my feet. I can feel Sarah next to me as we watch the night sky. Both of us thankful for each other. For the time that we have been given. And the thought that there is so much more here than just her and I. And we get to be a part of it.

I guess I can safely say I do enjoy long walks along the beach. And I'm grateful that I have my lovely wife to take them with me.

I'll be sailing out on the open sea ::masked defective::

I will always belong to you ::masked defective::

2009-05-14T12:49:00.003-04:00

I, along with so many others I know, have fallen behind on keeping up with our blogs. My main excuse for being absent has been the lack of Internet access. So Panera has become like a second home to Sarah and I. We do most of our bill paying and updating via Internet, so it's rather important that we take time each week to get a little Internet fix.

We have been gifted a new/used car from our brother Matt. He blessed us with his 2002 Saturn. Which is a huge answer to prayer since we have been looking to buy a new car for the past 8 months. When we were living in Rock Hill, we had a car lined up to purchase and the seller got a little uneasy about selling (it was her husbands car and he had passed away just that past year, so it was understandable). Needless to say, I being the husband and sworn provider for my family, freaked out the Saturday we got the call that she wasn't going to be able to sell to us. We had sort of been banking on the fact that we would have this car to alleviate our car troubles. My Honda Passport was pretty much more trouble than it was worth and both Sarah and I were doing a nice commute to work each day so we needed something a little more reliable. Plus we both were driving SUV's during the gas craze, so it wasn't cheap to do all the driving we had to do. So I spent my entire Saturday disgusted with my attitude and talking things over with the Holy Spirit. I found nothing that day. Sarah and I had done our best to save money for the past few months for the car so we were set up to pay cash. Out of all the car lots I visited it was either out of our price range or the cars were in bad condition. Sunday came and passed and Sarah was such a great encouragement and pillar for me as I was feeling as though I just couldn't provide for us. I was taking matters into my own hands. Thankfully the Lord is so gracious and so good to us, even when our attitudes are pretty jacked up!

That Tuesday my bosses boss called me into his office and said that they couldn't afford to keep my position and they were having to dissolve it and let me go. This had also been a prayer of mine and Sarah's for some time. We both felt like we weren't moving forward in what we felt called to do. So with a smile I told them a huge thank you for the experience and let them know that I was grateful for this answer to our prayer. How great is our God, he knew if we were to have bought that car (or any car) that we would have been hit hard. Sarah's work had already dissolved her position and she was working part time waiting for another position to become available. So we were both practically unemployed. We took advantage of this time and in two weeks and much prayer we made the decision to move to Columbia, SC and live for free in my in-laws basement apartment until we could get our feet off the ground.

So our wonderful friends and family surrounded us with not only complete support but also offered hands to move us out and into our new home. We made the transition giving thanks that all this money was in our savings account that had been set aside to buy the car. I learned in a more lucid way that I am to trust in His provision and follow His lead. That's what Sarah depends on me to do and encourages me to do day in and day out.

We've lived in Columbia these past three months searching for jobs. Thankfully we have found some and during the transition into working my brother in-law said he wanted us to have his Saturn free of charge!! We definitely do not take this lightly, because we realize that we have to be responsible with what we have been given. And everything we have, we have received!! So we're driving in faith that the Lord will continue to show us where to go and what to do to bring others closer to Him and to honor him with all that we have.

I share this in hopes that this would be encouraging and inspiring to give in such a crazy time that we're in, that our resources, our ministry, our faith, our words and our actions, it is all given to you and it is more than enough for those around you!!

Love never fails ::masked defective::

We can drive down to the water if we ever lose our way ::masked defective::

2009-01-22T15:43:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine in High School used to quote this amazing person from GI Joe whenever we would discover ourselves learning a lesson. They would always say "And Rique now you know and knowing is half the battle!!" I found this scripture after this little saying sort of became a staple for our friendship which was Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

So whenever my friend would say that knowing was half the battle, I would reply "And the other half is, being still!!" I've found myself drawing back to this amazing truth as Sarah and I are finding ourselves making some big decisions. I've had a lot of time to reflect on some of these big decisions as I have no job as of right now. Thankfully it wasn't to much of a surprise that the job I was working was taken from us. And there is this amazing peace and assurance that is way beyond me and comes from the Great Spirit that lives in me. God has given us so much and how often do I forget that what we are given is only in our care for such a short time and if I forget that, than I sometimes miss the opportunity to pass it on. We can't hold to tightly to what we've been given, mainly because it's not that we're given just enough to help us get by but what we are given is more than enough for those around us. We know who our provider is and He gives and takes away!!!

And because of that Sarah and I are so grateful for the support and encouragement that we have received from our parents and our family members and all of our friends. We're thankful for the open door that is before us and we are thankful that our God is with us before during and after all is said and done. We go, we move and we grow for Him and His kingdom, because His kingdom is not dependent on money and sales and numbers and figures or even with one person. His kingdom is you and me bought and covered and His kingdom is more than just you and me and we get to be a part of all of who His on this great day in these great times.

We're moving to Columbia to continue our adventurous journey after a great first year of marriage and six years of growth in the town of Rock Hill, we have been very blessed.

You are the one to whom my heart belongs ::masked defective::

there's a better way than around this ::masked defective::

2008-12-31T10:32:00.002-05:00

Some lyrics that I've been chewing on for the past few days.

"I remember the day
When you said you weren't afraid to die
I don't think your brave for it
I just think your more afraid of being alive"

"He has cheated
Hell and seated
Us above the fall
In desperate places
He paid our wages
One time once and for all"

"Cause the love of God is stronger, than the power of death"

All John Mark McMillan Lyrics.

I will raise you and bind you and bring you home ::masked defective::

reheated coffee = good conversation ::masked defective::

2008-11-21T15:57:00.003-05:00

It was a good driving day. The rain was falling, it was cold and a bit windy for most of the drive up. I had some soothing tunes playing to accompany my 2 hour drive up. Jars of Clay sounded off familiar lyrics of Christmas with a new refreshing sound. Then Sandra McCracken helped me ease up the mountain into a fog so thick I literally could not see anything, not even the cars lights ahead of me. They just faded into the cloud.

It was such a neat way to start the retreat because it helped me focus on those around me from the get-go and not just the landscape and the environment (which could be safe places to go and get away and avoid human contact). From what we were told and later had the chance to see for ourselves the view was pretty breath-taking. But for now we were left in the fog. With a warm cup-o-joe, a nice big couch and a cozy fireplace to suit, I had what I needed to get me settled for the weekend.

one fine day ::masked defective::

Lovely, Oh how I missed you ::masked defective::

2008-11-18T15:57:00.003-05:00

I went to a men's retreat this past weekend. I walked away refreshed and challenged and thankful to be a man. Everyone else that I had an opportunity to get to know there walked away wanting to meet my amazing wife. I'd say that's pretty awesome!!

More to come...

Follow me into the daylight, yes and it will be like it was ::masked defective::

I am not free, unless you enthrall me ::masked defective::

2008-11-03T16:17:00.001-05:00

I have been blessed to be out and driving before the sun rise. I get to see it's unique rising time every work day. I also get to see the beginning stages of it setting on the sweet horizon that brings me home to my lovely wife.

I made a play list of songs to aid me on my drive home so that my spirit would not be crushed by the time I got home. I'm not a very aggressive driver and for fear of becoming a hardened man, I want to protect the well spring of my life so that I can love my wife when I get home each day.

I've been helping translate a DUI class for my previous job. Someone made the comment about my new drive to work everyday probably being the rush to beat the clock and the drive home to be the slow and steady trotting along through traffic. I looked at him and said "Have you seen my wife!? The last thing on my mind is trotting along through traffic, I'm ready to get home to my love."

I've honestly been spoiled by my wife. First of all she's a beaut. Second of all she laughs at my jokes (sometimes more at me than with me). Thirdly, she is a ridiculous cook. Most nights I come home and she has conjured up some amazing recipe and other nights she's just like "I'm just making it up as I go." It's ridiculous I tell ya and those of you who have had it can say it just gets better and better with every bite. She has some mad skills and definitely puts some mad love into what she does, that's pretty obvious in how she cooks.

I've been conjuring up some new songs.

It's a new day for my wife and me and we're coming up on one year. Thankfully and gratefully.

I am not chaste, unless you ravish me ::masked defective::

I kiss my wife every morning, to wake her up, because fear doesn't live here anymore ::masked defective::

2008-09-29T20:43:00.008-04:00

::Take it easy, you don't want more than you can bare.
And it ain't easy, when you drive away and leave me here.
Take it easy, I don't want more than you can bare.
And it won't come easy, so don't go driving away
and leave me here,

Coz it's a dark road and it's cold out and you'll find yourself alone.
But I will go out and find you and bring you home.

Coz I believe there's a better way around this.
And I believe there's a better way than around this
and it's through.

So take it easy, you've worn out the soles of your shoes.
And you find you're bleeding, in all the places you've used.
Take it easy, all chances you've bought were made to lose.
And it won't be easy, but I'm coming round for you.

And it's a dark road and it's cold out and I find you there alone.
But I will raise and I will bind you and bring you home.

Coz I believe there's a better way around this.
And I believe there's a better way than around this
and it's through::

It's funny how these songs are birthed. I circle in my mind images that seem to illustrate what is going on in my life and try to paint that picture with words and chords and melody and with song. I'm certainly afraid when I finish a song because then I feel a bit exposed and vulnerable to what others will say or think. Not just about my songs and the sound, but how they might think, "What the heck is wrong with this guy".

Thankfully, as illustrated in this song, My Loving Saviour is not like that. He sees where I have decided to turn and run. Blow the popsicle stand and lick-e-ty split like a banana when the going gets tough. I felt as though I was leaving the way and plans God had for me. It's funny when I turned to see how far I had gotten, to see how much distance I had put between me and the dangerous life he calls me to live only to realize that I've worn my self out, used up all my energy and He's still standing there with me.

And He tells me that instead of going around those obstacles, He wants us to go through them together. He sets the precedent by giving His very life, not going around and cutting corners in order to gain us salvation and a relationship that will not end, but instead He went through it, so that I would be empowered by Him to go through it also.

When the soles of my shoes are non-existent and my addiction is left pining for the next fix to quickly satisfy my soul which is made for something eternal, He speaks softly ::Take it easy:: Don't wear yourself out. I'm here.

fear doesn't live here anymore ::masked defective::

Sarah Beth ::masked defective::

2008-05-02T08:14:00.002-04:00

The deepest green that I've ever seen I found in her eyes.
The brilliance of a warm embrace when she looks at me.
She pulls me close and whispers "I love you".

Oh Sarah! You're my love!
Oh Sarah! You shine with love!

The softest laugh on this ride makes the miles pass
In slow motion, where I can grasp, all her beauty.
I kiss her honey hair and I believe she's filling me with life.

Oh Sarah! You're my love!
Oh Sarah! You shine with love!

I have dreamed, but I never believed that It could so good.
Because here you are with me, which is so much better than my dreams
because you're in my arms.
I pull you close and you whisper "I love you" and I got lost in your eyes.

Oh Sarah! You're my love!
Oh Sarah! You shine with love!

to my love ::masked defective::

Buried to bloom ::masked defective::

2008-01-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

I was reminiscing today about a time where my good friend Aaron and I were zooming around in his little Dodge Neon. (Man did he love that car). I had the privilege of driving it a few times and I could see why. It was so easy to speed in that little thing and we were definitely speeding around that day.

In the venture of us maneuvering through the town, we were blaring our new favorite artist at the time, Ari Hest. I remember it was a little past sun set and the night was starting to settle in. We had the windows rolled down as everything around us seemed to slow down. It was the rite of passage that happens in any city or town or wherever you may find yourself. The in between of late afternoon and the night life. That type of hush where the sky loses the bright blue and turns a shade of purple. We turned at a red light somewhere a few blocks from our apartment,(I can't remember if we were coming or going) both of us singing at the top of our lungs the line, "Come home as soon as you can. Come home and don't ever leave again." Aaron turned the music volume down slightly and we began to just entertain those thoughts of home.

We had been living in an apartment for some time and the thought of that being home was far from the idea of what we had left behind with our parents in their respective towns. That apartment, as much as we loved those times and those guys we stayed with, we knew was more of a transition to something else. We both hoped that something else held so much more.

I remember there being more space between the words we shared and the thoughts of home. Now that we were out from under that shelter we once called home, it was so hard to define if that's where we were or if we were even longing for home, what did it even look like? I recall thinking at that moment how much we realized that where we were was not home. Where we had left definitely was, but this was definitely not that.

We are both married now and starting families of our own. You might even say we're starting homes of our own. I feel these past few months for him and this past month or so for me are what we were dreaming about those few moments on the road in that Neon. In fact, I could safely say that this is even better than what we dreamed or had hoped for that night. It's memories like that night that make the memories we make now with our loved ones even more memorable. There was something inside of us then, that wished and hoped. Not knowing what would happen. Where we would be. When would we no longer be homeless?

Now everyday we look forward to hearing our wives say and saying to our wives every now and again. Come home.

Words can be quite vivid, but they can't bring you to me live.
So come home. ::masked defective::

If you will have me too ::masked defective::

2008-01-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

Monday's, I have found, are a hard day for me. It has something to do with the newness of being married and spending every waking moment with my love during the weekend. Then boom, Monday morning hits. She's out the door before the sun really has a chance to warm up the place. And I'm left a mess in the bedroom, trying to figure out if I should sleep it off or make the most of my day by getting out of bed. It almost seems like Monday's are the days the I sleep the hardest and I dream the most. But come Tuesday, I'm ready for it. I don't toss and turn as much, and I know that I can help her get off to a good start.

Even now I can hear her shuffling around, getting ready for work as Norah Jones ushers in our work day that seems to come so quickly. The coffee just finished brewing. The toaster just popped. I stick my head out the door to see how cold it really is. It's fresh and brisk and well, frigid.

Gratefully though, I'll be starting a full time position during the day here soon. Sarah and I had spent some time figuring out options of what to do with me and a new job. We were looking at bank opportunities, knowing that bilingual folks were a hot commodity right now, we were hoping I would be a shoe in. But my work finally came through with a full time position there during the day. I would finally be covered with insurance aaaannnnnddddd..... I would work pretty much the same hours that Sarah Beth does. Which is pretty much amazing. Our work schedules are so mixed that we barely see each other through out the day. We spend some of the morning like I described earlier, but our evenings are cut so short. By the time I get off of work, we are both ready for beddy bye. So now, we shall have similar schedules, and shoot, I just may be able to start dating my wife again.

On another note. Music has been flourishing ever since Sarah and I wed. I had always wondered how marriage would change my influence in writing as well as sound. I find myself actually writing songs for her, something I tried to be careful of in the past (sometimes songs like that can be wasted or even harmful later on). So now, I find myself with new confidence in my voice and encouraged by the new sounds in my head.

I'm also learning how to build fires in our fireplace. It's pretty intense. Yea.

Well, for now that's as much as I can spit out. But I do hope to update you all more as time and my fingers allow.

you were meant for amazing things ::masked defective::

There's an old man singing with a broken heart ::masked defective::

2008-01-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

I've seen how diligently I don't carry my moleskine around.

Whenever I come back to journaling here I always have that awkward feeling in my stomach. That feeling you get when you know you haven't seen someone in such a long time and you don't know where to pick up. It's not like you can just pick up where you left off, coz you don't really remember where that was. And I'm married now, so there's definitely a lot more ground to cover.

I've been longing for Charleston's beaches and night lights. That and a brisk evening run. I've got to find a day job.

Don't let me into this year with an empty heart ::masked defective::

we can agree to help each other get free ::masked defective::

2007-11-26T20:20:00.000-05:00

Well, I admit that it has been some time since I've updated. And I know that I've been ragged about having not updated up until now. But I guess so much was changing and so much stuff was happening that it was hard to update without trying to say too many things.

I'm getting married in 5 days.

I still enjoy dipping Chip-s-ahoy Cookies in milk.

I have an apartment with a fireplace (or at least I will have one in 5 days).

I'm excited about my honeymoon with my lovely bride to be.

I realize that I haven't been around as much as I or most of my friends would like for me to be. And I do say I'm sad that I haven't been, but I can't really apologize because I know that what I've been doing has been important. But I am sad.

Depression can hit pretty hard in the winter. I'm thankful that Sandra McCraken has a hymns cd that somehow allows me to go through those lows without losing perspective.

I'm also thankful that I have someone who wants to love me out of this crazy valley.

more to come soon.

tamales and a christmas tree

::masked defective::

sooner or later it's there I will go ::masked defective::

2007-06-19T20:34:00.000-04:00

There's been a rhythm, a pulse. I can't quite put my finger on it. But I know it's there.

It's been awhile since I've posted here, so I'm hoping that something of the ramblings coming from my head and hands will make some sense.

Long hours at work and late night runs have become routine for me. The first time I picked up my guitar to even consider writing was today. I felt a pull towards it for some time but just haven't had the time alone to get to it. It felt good. Although nothing certain came of it, two little melodies came out and I'm hoping to tweak some more to see if they are anything I can keep. I'll keep holding out hope that I use some more of my time alone to write more. I've got to get more disciplined and learn to be ok with not writing. The break from it all has been nice.

I've been noticing my attitude towards random strangers more and more. I realize that I'm often more pent up with my own distractions that I rarely make good eye contact with them. I visited the Dollar General (all rights reserved) today to pick up some milk and had the chance to catch up with an employee that I usually chat it up with on my way in and out of that place. She makes really good eye contact. She's an African American lady in her thirties I guess. She has such a sweet and calm spirit about her. I don't know much about her, but she seems to mean what she says. She makes really good eye contact. I find that kind of thing seems to take me by surprise. Helps to slow me down, to take a minute to see humanity amidst all my thunder and lightning, all my down pour. All the abstract stuff that clutters my mind sometimes.

They say the eyes are the doorway to the soul. I have a hard time wanting to look into peoples souls; to really know what's there. And maybe it's both ways. I'm scared of them seeing what I got going on on the inside.

Maybe I'll ask for the courage to see into peoples lives, but first I guess I have to have the courage to ask to be transparent enough for others to see into me. Maybe even more, that I can see what I've got going on in there.

I'd like to make that kind of eye contact. Heck, it may just save a soul. It may help me to see humanity and it's need and to see that need in myself as well and go and help meet that need, because Lord knows He's met it in me time and time again.

some days i look down, afraid I'll fall. then i hear your sweet voice
come and then go. telling me softly, You love me so.

just over the mountain ::masked defective::

you're all i have come to hope to never have to live without ::masked defective::

2007-05-14T19:42:00.000-04:00

It's taken a few weeks of random traveling in and out of homes and doors and cars and streets and exits and street lights and unmarked cars and peoples lives to realize how beautiful and gentle the abundant life is.

It's definitely a lesson I hope to continue to learn and be completely open eyed to.

I find myself wanting to turn the radio off and make quiet confessions. It tends to hurt my feelings when I realize how often I complain or whine or harp on the fact that I spend most of my days physically alone and yet I never really allow myself the space and intimacy to enjoy my time alone. And then I come to complain that I never have time to myself to think and meditate and pray. How fickle I've been.

But my head has been gracefully lifted up by change. Seeing ones I care for begin the process of establishing themselves elsewhere has helped open my eyes to how I've slid my focus back to me in so that I've ended up missing things (heck, I've even gone missing for that matter). But thankfully I was given the chance to refocus just in time to watch them leave. Some left for longer seasons than others and some will be in my life for only a short season more. And for all this, I am grateful.

Jesus said I tell you these things so that your joy may be made complete. I believe that he has been telling me these things through all of you and you all through him have continually helped to make my joy complete.

preparing for the fall (the season)
::masked defective::

you set me free from all those empty, useless, vial things that once were attached to me ::masked defective::

2007-04-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

last night leading into this morning i had sad adventure dreams. i woke up feeling sad and tired even though i slept close to twelve hours.

i need to find a day job.

i realize that i miss our little friend oreo, who passed this monday (23rd of april), more than i realized. i felt like some of my dreams were about her, although i don't particularly remember any of those dreams. I must have been thinking about her throughout the day for all these random feelings to arise.

I remember the first dog we ever had. Her name was Princess. I still bare a scar on my forehead from the time she tried to help me fly. I remember when she died. She was caught under the tail end of a car and then released. As gory as that may sound, I remember it not being very bloody at all. I think there was more internal damage done than external. I remember how she laid on our porch while we watched over her not knowing what to do.

I remember how a random guy who had driven by when she was hit stopped and we were able to put her in the back of his truck and take her to a local vet. I remember hearing that they wanted money just to see her and if there was anything they could do for her than it would be more.

We were poor back then.

We had not anticipated anything other than someone who knew what to do could do something.

So there she lay on our porch. She stayed alive long enough for my dad to come home. After he arrived i remember running to my room and falling on my bed crying and praying. I remember this so vividly because as I sprawled on my bed, I had a mental image of what i must look like, me helplessly lying on my bed discovering this beast called death for the first time.

It felt like a dream, the image in my head as well as the actual event of being sprawled on my bed. I felt confused, lost and angry. Angry with myself for not taking better care of her. Angry for not remembering her inclination to chase after cars. Angry for not being able to afford the help that she deserved.

And then my parents came in and told us it was ok. My dad would bury princess in the front yard so she would always be close if we wanted to visit her. I never saw my dad physically bury her, but i trusted him. I knew about the general spot where she was buried.

I have had no real reason to think about that memory until just now. Now that oreo's passed. I realize now, sitting here listening to coffee being mixed and grinded, with the aroma filling the air, sitting here watching people busily and smiley bumble by with their bags and the sense of completion of yet another year of school, that maybe that's why I've been so afraid to get attached to another animal. I've come to the realization that I want to believe that if i can avoid the responsibility of another animal then when it does pass, because it will as I one day will, then I won't have to mourn it's passing. But I have come very abrudtly also to this realization: that it still hurts. It hurts to see those who love me and loved her hurt and feel the loss, be it vicariously through them or directly, it hurts.

i was talking to my friend the other day, we were thinking
about running away from all this emptiness and rage.
we're still running today, we're still running the race.

::masked defective::

arms stretched out for love ::masked defective::

2007-03-20T19:50:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to track my thoughts for a bit now and then a weekend came where i was able to just have some time away from my head noise and piece together not my thoughts, but this amazing peace that i've been longing for. For sometime i've been looking for that peace and how it came like a rush. Peace is funny like that. Can peace come in such a rush(full) way?

And then it seemed like today i stared into the mirror of my life and realized just how sick and lonely i was. It was in this time of reflection (a time of reflection that merely just came to me, i didn't instigate it at all) i realized just how great a need i had to be not only exhausted of all my evil, but more so that there is One who loves me more than i can admit to even confess (only because every moment i think on His love i realize how little i really do believe He loves me the way He does).

There's a point (i'm learning to believe this more) in which heaven has met earth and not just brought earth to heaven, but fully manifested its self in such a way to lock itself into what i consider my reality. Heaven has a way of doing stuff like that.

In my time of reflection i have not walked away from what i believe to be me (in the reflection) but i've seen that it is Him who loves me so, that has embraced that reflection and now what i see is so much greater than me, so much so that He has caused me to believe that i can be like Him. In fact the more and more that i look into that mirror i begin to see clearly that it's Him i see and not me. With open eyes, open ears and a mouth shut.

Like a freight train pounding in my veins
::masked defective::

We just need some sleep to clear our crowded minds ::masked defective::

2007-03-01T20:23:00.000-05:00

It snowed on February first, they say it's the first time this year
And I slept, oh how i slept.

It's the kind of snow you dream about, with the purest white
Without the dirt underneath. A picture perfect marriage.

Did I dream this? How could I have dreamed this?

And then I heard. Or did I remember?
Your always thinking of me.
Was there ever a time that you were not?

The call for no labor came, so lay your head down and rest.
Did you hear you're called to rest?
The rain outside my window speaks of a constant love
And I'm in love in a rainy constant kind of way.

It creates a melody outside my window pane.
And my eyes were half closed. My eyes were half open.
What did I see? Could you be laying here next to me?
Was there ever a time that you were not?

There was no regret in my voice
As I raised my song I could feel the brush of angels wings.
They were gathered round your throne

They were singing: Hallelujah (Amen)

bottled light ::masked defective::

Come with me My love and we will find shelter here ::masked defective::

2007-01-30T19:47:00.000-05:00

I can't remember the last time I watched a sunset. I can't remember the last time I left Rockhill and I didn't end up in Spartanburg. I can't remember the last time I said a kind word to a stranger. It seems I don't get out too much. It's been far too long since I've touched my bicycle. I remember riding it for hours on end roaming the neighborhoods behind my old apartment complex dreaming I was young again. I would steal away from my roommates and go until the sunset, then I would find street lamps that would light my way home. I remember the fresh breeze and cool night air that came with a mixture of music and people splashing in the community pool near the apartment office. I remember walking the hallway of the apartment listening to my roommates talk and laugh or rest. I remember crawling up onto the roof with a wooden ladder Ethan had brought from home. We would sit up there and stare at the stars and talk about marriage and talk about love and how one day we may just find ourselves wrapped up in it. It all seemed so distant then. One could raise their hand in hopes of touching the sky up there on that roof, but much like many of life's lessons it's learned from trial and error. Once we moved out into a house, so much of that fresh breeze and cool night air was lost and I learned about solitude and I learned what it meant to be alone. I had my own little hole where I learned what it meant to touch the sky and once I did, it was as though all the light from the sky had been drained, once I knew what it was to reach the unreachable then I had nothing left to reach for. But even in all of that draining came a very special someone who taught me how to watch sunsets again. They taught me what it was to reach my hand out again and realize that I was nowhere near reaching the sky and through grace and patience taught me to see the color again. I learned what it meant to be a passenger that admires every aspect of all that I am passing as a passenger and to be silent, to take it in and not try and figure it all out. With every place I come to live in at some point in my life, I hope to carry with me this friend and this friends vision of what it means to take in every sunset with it's uniqueness and on the days where there is no sunset in sight, I can hope and be confident that it will rise soon and in its rising also set and what a kind and graceful setting it will have.

I am grateful for my God who saves and my lady bug who believes in Him and in me.

fill me up with your love ::masked defective::

i'll be the wind in your leaves ::masked defective::

2007-01-23T21:19:00.001-05:00

very shortly after my last post about lingering in bed way too long, i found this verse in the psalms. The psalmist proclaims:

"Let the godly exult in glory;
let them sing for joy on their beds."

At first i was inclined to use this to justify lingering in bed, but then i realized the message behind it is (or at least the way i received it is), let him who has rested sing for joy on their beds. Basically, when i get up in the morning, i should be awaken with joy on my lips for i have rested, not restless because of this flesh or this crazy world, but confident in Him who keeps me and causes me to rest.

i confess that it has been hard to be bold with my praises in the morning. in fact it's taken a lot to keep me from being held down by my own hands in the morning. but when those hands are raised there is no bringing them down, they are lifted not only in praise and adoration, but they are also lifted in surrender.

i hope that this passage (which is psalm 149:5 by the way) and hopefully this message will help those, who like me, have trouble getting up in the morning.

something in the way that time stands still when you're walking towards me
::masked defective::

see how my eyes tell this story ::masked defective::

2007-01-19T10:18:00.000-05:00

I felt as though I spoke way too much as I rolled over in bed this morning. Of course Jared is usually gone by the time I decide I’ve spent too much time sleeping or just rolling around restlessly until I finally give way and fall asleep again, for what seems like the millionth time. I was getting onto myself for having justified that much time in bed.

The rain hits just the right places here outside this house. Certain coverings over our windows are metal or tin like, so you can imagine how hard it was to force myself out of bed with the trickling of rain rolling off the tin.

For the past two days I’ve been trying to finish the Pixar movie “The Incredibles”. I have been trying to wrap my head around this idea of not living up to ones fullest potential. I was reminded of a comment I had made that sounds like the yearnings and confession of an old Jew named Paul. “I want to do what is right, I know what is right, and I keep doing the opposite of it.”

I hope you are familiar with “The Incredibles,” but if your not the basic story line is all these people with special powers known as “Supers,” who are government supported to help people and to fight crime and that whole gig. They also carry secret identities which is where is they have everyday jobs, attend school have families and kids.

After a series of events they lost credibility with the people they are defending and are asked to only have secret identities and no longer help.

Watching the main characters try to live under restraint makes my heart hurt. They seem so miserable. They know there is so much more they can do and yet they have to keep from doing so due to the government and the peoples request. Their intentions are good and their powers are amazing, they just can’t tap into them.

In my real life, I’ve some how managed to put restraints on myself. It’s all, for the most part, so self-imposed. And seeing how miserable the family in the “Incredibles” movie is has that distant echo that’s calling my name, the name I know for certain is mine and I’m not just mistaking it for someone else. As a person of faith in Christ, believing that He desires to reconcile all things to himself, I realize that my constant nagging to want to do the right thing and my constant vocalizing the right thing to myself and others (referring back to my yelling at myself as I woke up this morning). I am a child of the Father and I house the spirit of him inside me. I was created for amazing things, not that I deserve amazing things, but more so, the one who has created me is amazing and I carry that stamp.

There are so many things that we are capable of doing once we understand our true identity. For the most part our search for that identity can cause us to be miserable at times, but once we find out what we were created for, we are able to project clearly our creator’s image.

I’m learning more and more that I just can’t do the whole talking thing anymore. Those of you who are close to me know that I have vocalized many times in many ways that I know what is right and I know what to do, I just fail miserably at doing it. But here through cause and effect and the Spirit inside of me working to reconcile me to Himself is saying to not just dabble in the light, to not just dabble in love, but walk in the light and walk in love. It’s there that I will find my identity in Christ exposed in the light and it’s there that I will learn how live out the right thing in love and share that love with others in an Identity crisis.

My hope is that we would all begin to live out of our true identity; I know I am tired of being miserable.

Beloved listen to me ::masked defective::

Oh, and by the way it is such an amazing gift to see the family on the “Incredibles” embrace each other’s powers and work together. They are so joy filled.

P.S. i think i enabled the posts so even if you are not a blogger you can comment. (wink wink sarah).

a garden, where new things will grow ::masked defective::

2007-01-17T20:45:00.000-05:00

i could hear the rain drops as they splashed against the asphalt.
the shuffling of feet and the overpowering lack of air in my lungs.
as my feet touched the ground i could feel the impact go
from the ball of my foot through my shin into my knees
and up through my thighs.

pain. it was pain. it was release.

my arms are firm at my side with balance and force
they help with the movement forward.
my eyes are wild, my lips feel dry.

deep breath, a little more, a little more.

hold it. letting the oxygen steady my muscles.

then a short release, hold it.
then i release it all, letting out a loud sigh.

a constant rocking motion
movement from head to toe.

i can hear the rain drops as they splash against the asphalt

r. 12/17/06

pure vestments and blessed assurance ::masked defective::

noble and ignoble purposes ::masked defective::

2006-12-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

So, it's here. the edge. i can keep peering over but it doesn't do much but kill my nerves. I'm enveloped in this strong breeze as it taunts me, pushing me back and forth as though, much like my heart, it can't decide which is better, to jump off or to just walk away.

To jump off, would mean to step out into the unknown, which for sometime has been such a killer, but now, given all the experience and mistakes and miscommunication, i know what walking away would bring. the same old junk that my soul produces when it lives the way it has been. as a good friend once said, "if you keep doing the same thing you've been doing, you'll keep getting the same results."

I'm jumping. I know there is so much more to be had out there, where i can finally learn to accept that things are out of my control. That someone so much greater is heading all of this and that although all is out of my control, i can hope and try to make good decisions. To serve within the situations and the circumstances that the great triune God has placed before me. There is a time for everything, a season. My hope is to learn what it means to bless my God in whatever time i am in. Whether that time be of loss or suffering or joy, a time of reaping and of sowing.

I may never be the same, my hope is that i won't be. I'm tired of the way i've treated people, things, myself and my love. I'll jump because i know that in this time either i change, i die, because otherwise, i'll just become useless, not even worthy to be used for ignoble purposes.

shedding skin and meshing and gelling to the one i love
::masked defective::

Bound to Live ::masked defective::

2006-12-24T20:33:00.000-05:00

Would the rain stop, dead in its place?
Would it holds it breath,
As it touched your face?
I know I did.

Every step you take, I'm not far behind.
Darling swallow your pride,
Don't You know that you're mine?

So would you take the life i give?
The life i offer, so that you might live.

So when the red lights flash
You'll know it's ok to cross,
It's ok to pass
But baby don't look back.

The trees will define which way to go
Just place your feet on dry land
And baby then you'll know

So would you then stop, right where you are?
And let me embrace you, let me be, let me be
All that you need
Coz I can slip into your heart
And I can breathe, into all that you are
Coz baby we're bound to live.

So when the red lights flash
You'll know it's ok to cross
It's ok to pass
But baby don't look back

coz we're bound to live.
R.

i'm going down to die
and i'll be coming back alive there ::masked defective::

Death is the Only Thing That Makes Us Alive ::masked defective::

2006-12-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

As I strolled down highway 5 headed home, I found myself shuffling through CD's as I tried to find the yellow divider in the road through all the fog. Every car that passed by only seemed to make it harder to see this yellow line that I had become so dependent upon to get me where I was going. Once I hit interstate 85, I found that the fog had only gotten thicker and red brake lights of all the cars trying to make it somewhere else for the holidays, where going to be the best way to figure out where I needed to brake and join the masses in hoping to make it home safely.

Due to what seemed to be a couple of different car wrecks, I was traveling at a moderate speed of about 5 miles per hour and what normally takes about an hour to drive became close to two. But it was very necessary. I'm finding myself, especially in the end of year mode, sizing myself up. With all that I feel I've accomplished along with all that I have failed miserably in, I try somehow to make sense of what I've done with all this time I've been given. But this year, in this time I've had to put that type of mindset to rest. I feel as though I would be dragging it all out to go into detail, but one thing I had to learn was that I am loved. so much change has already taken place and even now I feel as though the selfishness is wearing away and reality is still settling in. with that has come new understanding and if it wasn't for such good friends, I would still be wondering what in the world is wrong with me. so I was able to roll the window down and turn the volume up a little more and just let the breeze do the rest. It was such a gift to drive 30 minutes on the interstate at 5 miles per hour. With everything moving as fast it has been it was so backwards to be driving that slow. As I listened to the music carry along with the sound of horns honking and the sight of blue and red lights flashing, the breeze carried in a melody, a peace. A change in the wind. Everything changes. Learning to appreciate that the one who loves me cannot change but is changing me.

Everything changes.

All that to say, I'm back. In a different way of course. But the masked defective is back like change.

in faith and belief ::masked defective::